productivity v. rest: eclipse season is here
Hi all,
This one breaks form for the first time in the history of the newsletter. We’re still talking about the oncoming eclipse season, the first of which is Monday, November 30th, and there are still writing prompts for your sign down at the bottom if you’d like to skip. But we’re opening with some personal writing — hope you enjoy.
Xx
Jeanna
I have become incredibly protective of my time, and also of my rest — but that wasn’t always the case.
Starting an English Lit PhD program in Boston in my early twenties, I learned quickly to always be on. I already had a strong work ethic, but now I was doing what I loved and quickly went into overachieving overdrive mode. My early marriage to an also-Christian man quickly began collapsing in on itself, so my work also became my safe haven, my retreat: No, I can’t have sex because I have to work, see? No, I can’t cuddle because I have to read and write and grade. So sorry. (Not sorry.)
Work was one of the few things that kept me sane in those dark years — teaching most of all. Grading, lesson planning, reading new work for new classes. I threw all of my time into it, staying out late working with fellow grad students at the gay coffee shop until 11pm. Most of my friends would go home, but I’d always transfer over to the Irish bar next door, where I could nurse a well-poured Guinness and grade papers until they closed at 1am. The bartenders all knew me. I was in there most nights a week, just trying to stay out as late as I could, avoiding my husband and my apartment, figuring out what I was doing with my life. Was I leaving my marriage? Was I leaving my faith? Was I blowing up my entire life just because I was probably gay? (Yes.)
Which is to say, by the time the ashes of that explosion had finally started to settle, my work all day, work all night, always-be-on, be-ready-to-be-on habits were ingrained. Have a spare minute? Pick up some work. Even though constantly researching a project was no longer necessary to maintain the shreds of my mental and emotional health that made it through that crucible, I free-fell into it at every available opportunity. I wasn’t writing for myself. Didn’t know how else to structure my time. Was just learning how to be a person again, how to be alone with myself again.
Being alone with my work was far more comfortable.
Eventually, I decided to leave my program and start an e-commerce lingerie boutique, Bluestockings , the first of its kind geared to the LGBTQ+ community. I was in a new relationship with someone who would be my partner for years to come, though I didn’t know it at the time. She was accomplished and going places and loved my ambition in turn, but something she was struck by immediately in those first few months of our togetherness was,
“Why are you always working?”
Even though I had left my grad program, nothing about my work ethic had changed. I had simply applied it toward the new business. I was deeply in love with Bluestockings as I would eventually be with my first book, and I wanted to spend all my time on it. My girlfriend, a fellow Capricorn, understood this passion about work — to a point. I worked on it in bed as she fell asleep next to me, but I also wanted to be working on it first thing in the morning. I jotted notes to myself on the train, tripped on sidewalks as I dictated marketing plans to myself on voice memos, typed on my phone as I held the baby I nanny’d in the other arm, rocking him to sleep.
She was the first person who ever said to me, “You do not have an off switch, and you need to build one” and, later, “This is not sustainable for you, or for us.”
In graduate school, everyone around me had worked the same way I did. No one took “weekends” (what is a weekend?). No one stopped working at 6pm. Graduate student labor thrives on the exploitation of the perpetually available employee, and entrepreneurship was the same way, except I was doing it to myself. I had no idea how to set my own hours — the thought had simply never dawned on me. I could always be working, so why wouldn’t I always be working? I wanted this business to be successful, after all. Working smarter was working harder, right?
She was the only person who ever looked me straight in the eye and told me, flat out, that it wouldn’t be unless I sat my ass down and took a break.
*
An increased appetite in a year where our collective motivation has been depleted is a welcome shift. That is what is coming for us with Monday’s eclipse: an urge to do more, to be more, to have more. An increase in energy. A boost.
In our society, hunger can look like work: It can look like “productivity,” can look like monetizing a hobby. That’s not always a bad thing, particularly if this is a natural manifestation of a path you’ve been thinking about — this lunar eclipse in Gemini is, after all, a full moon. It’s a completion of something you began on or around the New Moon in Gemini (May 22, 2020). There may be potent messages helping you bring something vital to fullness.
But there is also a shadow to an increase in energy, and those are the buzzwords of work. Productivity. Passion. The perpetual idea that we are not doing “enough,” even in a year that has thrown every preexisting condition and plan out the window and demanded that we entirely recalibrate and reset.
The old standard-gods are dead, and we cannot worship at their altars. The sacrifices we have traditionally brought to bear — our time, our energy, our projects — simply are not happening, and we cannot expect that of ourselves.
In a year of extraordinary loss and isolation, I have heard countless friends and loved ones express guilt, sorrow, and loss over a presumed failure at not “working” enough. At various moments, I have felt it myself. When I wonder where it comes from, I can't help but think of our capitalist work culture, where every “win” for labor “justice” of the last century has, essentially, been a win for quality of life and, ultimately, rest. Rest that we are still made to feel guilty for taking.
*
It would take years of practice for me to fully recalibrate how I worked. Practice setting hours for myself. Practice cutting myself off at 6pm. Practice resting on the weekends: I am fully aware of how ridiculous it sounds, to be proud of myself for having a day of doing nothing but cleaning the house and reading for pleasure (not research) and spending time with loved ones.
So much of what is toxic in our society is the expectation of being on. It’s not necessarily that you’re always working because, of course, you are not and cannot; there are roommates or parents or partners or family or whoever beckoning. There are daily matters to attend to, there is the care and keeping of your body, there are errands: the list is truly endless. But if you have not given yourself permission to not work, to have a Saturday for daily life catch up or a week off for the holiday or a different schedule because you’ve been diagnosed with something new and life-altering, for example, then the expectation that you “should be” working or that you are somehow “behind” on the writing will fucking eat you alive.
It is inhumane and unkind to not honor the need for rest and pleasure and play, but then, a capitalist system that thrives on turning human beings into productive cogs in the machine doesn’t particularly care about rest or pleasure or play. An essay in Jia Tolentino’s Trick Mirror is called “Always Be Optimizing,” a title which summarizes, in itself, what we’ve been trained to do since our teachers asked us, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” and helped us plan accordingly.
*
There is an eclipse tomorrow, and it's about increase and hunger and finding (or recovering) an appetite. It is okay if you don't have one. It is okay if you feel grief-eaten and if your brain is too fucking depressed to see the sun right now.
In either case: Guard your time. Guard your rest, even if it feels less like an Instagram bubble bath and more like, lay in bed with the lights out crying. Honor what you need, and even what you want. Sometimes, the increase and the hunger are simply not possible when you’re in survival mode. And that's important to witness, too.
Sometimes, the increase you need is simply more time with yourself and more downtime, pleasure, and investment in your body and soul. Give that gift to yourself, however you can.
Writing Prompts for the Full Moon Eclipse in Gemini
Something to think about, if it’s helpful: The last time there was a north node eclipse (the hunger and motivation we’re talking about) in Gemini was in 2003. The last time there was a south node eclipse, in which you may have experienced shedding, release, or a recalibration of how you do this area of life, was in 2012. As you journal or free write, think about what was happening in your life then, and if any themes connect.
This is the first of two north node eclipses in Gemini. The second will be on June 10, 2021 and will bring up the same themes discussed below.
Aries & Aries Rising
Is there a ritual that you have been meaning to introduce to your day that you think would help you ground? (e.g. a morning routine or getting ready for bed, wind-down practice?)
What has your writing routine looked like, or not looked like, this year? How have you felt about this? Has this freed you from any pre-existing ideas you had about what you “had” to do? What are you looking to introduce, or re-introduce, into your writing?
Taurus & Taurus Rising
Where in your life are you looking to make more money, and how?
How do your income streams intersect with what you value, or how you value your time, energy, and expertise? Are there subconscious habits or self-sabotaging patterns you’ve noticed, or even addressed?
Gemini & Gemini Rising
How are you putting yourself out in the world right now? How do you feel about asking for help from the friends and people who love you and want to support you?
Are you feeling like you’re coming into a new part of your identity, like you’re on the brink of or are in the early days of discovering something new about yourself? How is this expressing itself?
Cancer & Cancer Rising
What do you discover about yourself when you spend time in intentional solitude? What patterns of self-sabotage are you ready to uncover and redirect?
What, or who, have you been dreaming about lately? Is it giving you ideas for a new project, even just a seed to put away for later?
Leo & Leo Rising
What are you learning about the communities you want to really invest in and show up for? Do these connect to your belief systems, ideals, political affiliations, or educational commitments?
Which of your connections are really blossoming in ways that feel mutually supportive and nurturing? What are you discovering about yourself in this process?
Virgo & Virgo Rising
What is working for you in your work life, and what isn’t working? What are you noticing that you want more of? How can you honor your work-life balance?
Are any potential collaborations arising that feel aligned with your mission and current capacity for what you can take on?
Libra & Libra Rising
When the words “increase” and “publishing” are in proximity to each other, what comes to mind for you? Are you looking for an agent, a book deal, a job? What seeds are you planting that might help move you toward that destination, however slowly?
What long-term plans have been upended this year, and how have you recalibrated? What big plans do you have now that you didn’t at the start of 2020? Have any of your underlying beliefs shifted, as well? How so?
Scorpio & Scorpio Rising
How are you being stirred to address any debts, taxes, inheritances, or other shared financial issues that have been lingering? How might clearing these impact your mental health?
What potential collaborations are arising? What kind of work and daily commitment would they require from you? Be very clear on the fine print before signing.
Sagittarius & Sagittarius Rising
What is the state of your current contracted partnerships, whether romantic or professional (agents, editors, co-writers, etc.)?
What are you noticing about your creative life and energy vis a vis your working relationships, or the potential of entering into a creative partnership?
Capricorn & Capricorn Rising
Are you noticing an increase in your attention to the injustices of daily labor, or the ways in which your daily work life impacts your overall wellness?
How are you currently taking care of your body? What are the ways in which your budget allows you to rest, hydrate, sleep, and tend to the basics of self-care? What routines can be implemented, perhaps in the morning or before bed? What set-up might your work/writing desk benefit from that would ease things for your wrists, back, or neck?
Aquarius & Aquarius Rising
What pleasures are you noticing an increased desire for? Are they things you’ve felt a loss of this year, or things that have been gone for quite a while? What playtime can you give yourself, creatively and however briefly, that you don’t monetize?
How can you introduce a bit of romance into your writing life? How can you tempt the muse to play?
Pisces & Pisces Rising
What aspects of your home are craving your attention? Which relationships with family, natal or chosen, are taking precedence?
How does your current work-life balance, in a year where the two have collapsed in on themselves, make you feel? How are the boundaries around your “work” space and your “living” space (is that possible, with your current living arrangement)? Is it time for another conversation about this?
Up next: The Writer’s Guide to December’s Astrology — so. much. happening. The detailed breakdown of day-by-day transits goes out on the first of every month to paid subscribers only.
loved this. thank you, boo.