“I feel like right now, in America, it's really cool to be like, my husband sucks. But there’s no and. It’s like, okay, great, you just made 50,000 viral TikToks about how you hate this man and how he cannot locate ketchup in a grocery store and how you are raising your mother-in-law's son. And yet, you will not do anything to reclaim your life. You will not do the things that you need to value your contributions and your own humanity.”
Sorry just to add (because this actually connects to the book I’m working on about actually doing the divestment as a queer mother), there is a real social cost to making that divestment and the truth is that most women, especially white cishet ones, just aren’t willing to pay it.
A literal thing that happens in the state of Iowa [is that] when you go on SNAP benefits, they send you a letter about how to make your marriage better and stronger. —- this is INSANE!
So many gems in this essay. I am sharing it with many of my memoir students. I love the clarity and truth of saying that honesty is a craft issue. Makes me think of a quote I read this week from Wendy Cope: “When a poem doesn’t work the first question to ask yourself is ‘am I telling the truth?’”
Wow I don’t know how I had not read anything by Lyz before, but now I have subscribed to her newsletter, devoured God Land and am eagerly awaiting her new book!
Hot damn. Yes. I lied and hid and kept secrets because I wasn't ready to do anything, to move, to be free, to break it, to change.
"There were things about my marriage that I had for 12 years, and I was friends with them before I got married, and I'm still friends with them now, but I was not telling them because I knew if I told them the truth, they would go, why are you there? And I did not have an answer, except for: I don't think I'm allowed to go."
I still have so much to tell, and I think I will one day, but I have to figure out how I will tell ist.
As a solo mom, I will categorically deny that the amount of work and time I have is superior to a mother who has a partner. The experience is very different than that of a single mother with parenting support. Please do not lump this together.
They were talking about statistical averages. Everyone's situation is different, of course.
But not all married women with children actually have a partner who provides a "net" help with the children. (I say "net" meaning that adding it all up, they give help more than they take.) It's pretty rare, actually.
I'm not simply referring to childcare. Note there's also a difference between solo and single. Single assumes some kind of coparenting support. I am literally doing the childcare work of 2 people, the housecare work of 2 people, the financial earning work of 2 people and the emotional labour of 2 people. Assuming it is just childcare is the same as a person in a relationship calling themselves a single parent simply because their partner is away from the home for more than a day. There is no comparison. It's not rare. It doesn't exist.
But when I was married, I also did the house care work of 2 people, the childcare work of 2 people, and the financial earning work of 2 people. This is a very common reason that women get divorced—men don't pull their weight. I still have all the same responsibilities today, but now I don't have the extra burden of ALSO dealing with all the BS my ex husband added to my plate. (And no, he doesn't pay child support, and I don't get every other weekend off. He left the country after we divorced. I am completely solo.) Of course it's not easy, but I'm much, much happier now than I was!
Again, everyone's situation is different, but the author's original point was that statistically, MOST married women do more work than MOST divorced or single women.
I initially thought this was going to be about Witchcraft, and I was, "Lyz is a Witch too? What!" (LOL)
The one thing that kept coming up for me: This is one of the Legacies of the Burning Times × the Reformation × the "Age of Enlightenment." How many white women, especially of Western European descent, are still carrying that trauma within their/our bodies, down to their/our DNA? How many of us hear the whispered warnings in the back of our minds to "stay small in order to stay SAFE?"
This is a big part of the Shadow material that needs to be worked with and through if we have any chance of avoiding extinction as a species.
“I feel like right now, in America, it's really cool to be like, my husband sucks. But there’s no and. It’s like, okay, great, you just made 50,000 viral TikToks about how you hate this man and how he cannot locate ketchup in a grocery store and how you are raising your mother-in-law's son. And yet, you will not do anything to reclaim your life. You will not do the things that you need to value your contributions and your own humanity.”
🗣️ A WHOLE WORD
Sorry just to add (because this actually connects to the book I’m working on about actually doing the divestment as a queer mother), there is a real social cost to making that divestment and the truth is that most women, especially white cishet ones, just aren’t willing to pay it.
and i am also so excited for YOUR book on this topic
Hahahahahahaha if it ever gets written lolsob. But to not make this about me, I’m very excited for Lyz’s!!
This!! Had to take a deep breath after “They’ll throw their whole lives away for some tech executive” 😮💨
YES! I mean, where is the lie tho (I too was once married to a cishet male tech executive lol)
10000000000%
A literal thing that happens in the state of Iowa [is that] when you go on SNAP benefits, they send you a letter about how to make your marriage better and stronger. —- this is INSANE!
Thank you so much for having me in your fabulous newsletter!!!!!!
LOVE YOU thank you for doing this! i am so excited for your book to be in the world!
this explains why i never listen to TED talks!!!
(amazing interview, you're both perfect xx)
<3
Aaaaand... now I want to be BFFs with both of you.
So many gems in this essay. I am sharing it with many of my memoir students. I love the clarity and truth of saying that honesty is a craft issue. Makes me think of a quote I read this week from Wendy Cope: “When a poem doesn’t work the first question to ask yourself is ‘am I telling the truth?’”
Wow I don’t know how I had not read anything by Lyz before, but now I have subscribed to her newsletter, devoured God Land and am eagerly awaiting her new book!
Ahhh! Isn't GOD LAND wonderful?
Yes as a former southern Baptist who lives in the Midwest it was such a breath of fresh air! I’m making my mom read it now!
Hot damn. Yes. I lied and hid and kept secrets because I wasn't ready to do anything, to move, to be free, to break it, to change.
"There were things about my marriage that I had for 12 years, and I was friends with them before I got married, and I'm still friends with them now, but I was not telling them because I knew if I told them the truth, they would go, why are you there? And I did not have an answer, except for: I don't think I'm allowed to go."
I still have so much to tell, and I think I will one day, but I have to figure out how I will tell ist.
"...you can get down from that cross, we need the wood, right?"
As a solo mom, I will categorically deny that the amount of work and time I have is superior to a mother who has a partner. The experience is very different than that of a single mother with parenting support. Please do not lump this together.
They were talking about statistical averages. Everyone's situation is different, of course.
But not all married women with children actually have a partner who provides a "net" help with the children. (I say "net" meaning that adding it all up, they give help more than they take.) It's pretty rare, actually.
I'm not simply referring to childcare. Note there's also a difference between solo and single. Single assumes some kind of coparenting support. I am literally doing the childcare work of 2 people, the housecare work of 2 people, the financial earning work of 2 people and the emotional labour of 2 people. Assuming it is just childcare is the same as a person in a relationship calling themselves a single parent simply because their partner is away from the home for more than a day. There is no comparison. It's not rare. It doesn't exist.
I am also a solo mom. I feel your pain.
But when I was married, I also did the house care work of 2 people, the childcare work of 2 people, and the financial earning work of 2 people. This is a very common reason that women get divorced—men don't pull their weight. I still have all the same responsibilities today, but now I don't have the extra burden of ALSO dealing with all the BS my ex husband added to my plate. (And no, he doesn't pay child support, and I don't get every other weekend off. He left the country after we divorced. I am completely solo.) Of course it's not easy, but I'm much, much happier now than I was!
Again, everyone's situation is different, but the author's original point was that statistically, MOST married women do more work than MOST divorced or single women.
Sure, that's a convenient position to take after being held to account. 😄
I initially thought this was going to be about Witchcraft, and I was, "Lyz is a Witch too? What!" (LOL)
The one thing that kept coming up for me: This is one of the Legacies of the Burning Times × the Reformation × the "Age of Enlightenment." How many white women, especially of Western European descent, are still carrying that trauma within their/our bodies, down to their/our DNA? How many of us hear the whispered warnings in the back of our minds to "stay small in order to stay SAFE?"
This is a big part of the Shadow material that needs to be worked with and through if we have any chance of avoiding extinction as a species.